How Supportive is Your Support System?
I recently came across an article titled, "The 5 Friends You Meet on your Grief Journey" by Nikki Pennington of Grief to Hope with Nikki Pennington. It walks through the different types of friends in your life and how they categorize themselves in times of grief based on how they support you (or don't). At the time when I initially read the article, I did so through the lens of someone who was grieving the loss of a parent; what friends were acknowledging my loss? What friends were supportive of my family? Who was reaching out to check on me? In the context of the article, the author was making similar assessments after losing her mother. Recently, I reread the article and realized that not only did it offer some relatability when it came to the loss of my dad, it also was absolutely applicable to my journey through the loss of my health compliments of MS; people in my various friend circles and beyond all reacted differently, and I found many of my relationships shifting and changing.
Now while I'm sure you could construct a longer list of categories, this article focuses on 5 clear ones: Fair Weather Friends, Old Friends, New Friends, Ex-Friends, and Compassionate Friends. The way the article describes them, fair weather friends are the ones that have your back, are in your inner circle, and are considered a close friend up until your world implodes. They're the friends that fault you for withdrawing, but don't take the time to support you through it or investigate why you may be distant. These are the friends that aren't calling you to check in, or making comforting gestures, they may even be avoiding the topic of your grief all together, while also faulting you for not making time for them. The old friends are exactly what you'd expect: the ones who have been by your side forever and with whom you can vent, cry, panic, yell, whatever you need without any doubt that they'll stick by you through it all and validate anything and everything you're feeling. I really love the quote included by the author from Oprah: "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." (Thanks Nikki Pennington for including that very relevant bit of wisdom!). New friends may surprise you, as they tend to sort of emerge from the woodwork to fill a role you didn't know you needed in your life. As Nikki puts it, these are the people that you may not even have known all that well or been very close with before your loss, but they step up and are willing to take on adjustments by your side, admit they may not get it but they're there to support you and learn along with you anyway. The ex-friend is one that reemerges into your life when they learn of your loss; maybe you haven't spoken in years, but they suddenly pop up to provide "comfort". I put that in quotes because it tends to be the misguided attempts that cause more hurt than help, and tend to just remind you that they've been MIA through whatever challenges lead up to the final moment of loss. By Nikki's description, this friend disappears as quickly as they appeared, likely showing up in the first place out of a feeling of obligation based on your former friendship. Finally come the compassionate friends. Just like their title suggest, these friends are the ones that maybe in the moment you don't realize just how big and important their gestures are to you, but as you work through your journey, the effort they put into being your support system becomes more and more clear and appreciated. These are the people who do things to help even when you say you're fine or that you don't need it, because they're willing to put energy into ensuring you're actually okay.
Now anyone reading this who has MS probably can name right now at least one person in their life that would fall into each category. If you don't have MS, you may be wondering which category you fall in for your loved one. (PSA: as long as you're not pulling an 'ex-friend' or a 'fair weather friend', you're doing just fine!) An MS diagnosis brings each of these types of friends into focus. I've found since my diagnosis that the most frustrating friends are those of the fair weather variety; they're people you assume you can count on and yet every time something big comes up, they're nowhere to be found. Or worse, they're needing something from you; no matter how big or small the favor, it's difficult to make clear to people that when you're coping with initial diagnosis, taking on treatments, or just generally dealing with symptoms, you just can't be that person that is always saying yes and doing things for others anymore. Fair weather friends I've found tend to be the ones that don't bother to ask what your limitations are, or know them and just choose to ignore them in favor of their own convenience and that shit hurts. While the ex-friend can be irritating and frustrating, the upside to them is that you can simply brush them off and let them fall away from whence they came. That process is quite a bit easier than coping with the fair weather friends.
Fortunately, I've found that the good far outweighs the bad among friends and their response to your loss, or in this case, diagnosis and beyond. I consider myself beyond lucky that the vast majority of my friends fall into the old friend category; many of my best girlfriends are ones I've had since my pre-teen years or earlier, so they not only know me but they know my world and how I respond to it. As Oprah says, I know for a fact they'd happily jump on the bus with me if the limo broke down, and they don't even expect a limo to begin with. Even without knowing much about MS at first, they were willing to ask questions, educate themselves, and let me feel however I wanted to feel every step of the way. Now while many of my go-to girls are old friends, I don't think it's fair to only put them in that category because they're absolutely champions of the compassionate friend category as well. I realized after both the loss of my dad and my health that their texts of "Hey! Whatcha doin?" or "Busy this weekend? Wine night?" were so much more than interest in my schedule; they reached out often and even if it wasn't to directly ask how I was feeling or what I needed, it was to remind me that they were there, they were tuned into what I was going through, and they were ready to be at my side if I ever asked (or didn't). When the local MS walk came about, I didn't even have to ask them to be there; one signed up and just told me she would be there, and others acknowledged the event and however I might feel about it even if they couldn't be there. These types of friends are the ones doing or saying exactly what you need when you don't even realize you need it. I'm lucky that I've had quite a few friends step into these roles over the past 6 months; they've eased the strain and stress without ever even hesitating. (Special shout-out right now to Katrina and Kelsey because you two are rock stars and quite literally the greatest friends to walk this planet - as you always have been!) If you aren't sure who in your world falls into this category, take a minute and think of who you've heard from lately; who has asked if you want to grab a meal or if you need a ride to an event you're both attending, or when your next doctor's appointment or treatment is? It may not have seemed like much at the time, but those are the people that have your back and best interests at heart. Acknowledge their efforts and don't forget all that they do, even when it's small gestures, because those friends are incredible to have on your team.
The new friends are the ones I find most interesting in the world of MS. They come out of nowhere. Diagnosis can feel lonely and intimidating, but honestly as soon as you start opening up and talking about it, new friends emerge one after another. As someone who knew very little about MS prior to being diagnosed myself, and only knew one older woman who had it, I was amazed when I began to tell people that I had it how many people could and were willing to connect me with others living with MS. Obviously someone's aunt's friend's cousin's dog's vet isn't going to be the most helpful or comforting connection necessarily, but many people were able and willing to put me in touch with people close to them that offered their support to me, a complete stranger, when they heard I had just been diagnosed. This MS community is a large, supportive, and wide-reaching one, and there are so many ways to connect to it - the "new friends" category goes far beyond people that you already know, you may have new friends waiting for you in a support group or at a fundraising event or even in a treatment setting (if you're like me and do lengthy infusions, you'd be surprised how many people around you are in the same boat you are). If befriending strangers isn't your strong suit (is it really anyone's?) I've found those close to you know some pretty great people that can be sources of information, support, or just camaraderie when you're feeling like no one understands your experience. Referring you to people they know and trust may also be your loved ones' way of supporting you; if they can't personally relate or connect, providing you someone who can is just their way of trying to be there for you. For example my sister-in-law (who is possibly one of the world's nicest people - that is no exaggeration) suggested I meet her friend who is a few years older than me and has had MS for about four years; she didn't pressure me to hang out with her every day or insist I become BFF's with this woman, she simply suggested the three of us hang out so that I have her as a resource if I want or need it. While my SIL may not get what I'm going through, knowing there's someone she trusts and respects that might be able to help was her way of showing me support and providing me with whatever help she could. Know that people have good intentions - they just want to help and if they don't know how to do so, connecting you with someone who can help is just another means of providing support. Take people up on those offers, you never know what new friends that could connect you to.
No matter where the old friends, new friends, or compassionate friends come from, identify them and keep them. I cannot even begin to explain the impact those humans have had in my coping, learning, and treatment process. Also don't forget that your family can fall into these categories too; don't be afraid to tell them what you need from them so that they can best support you. As far as the ex-friends and fair weather friends, whether or not they choose to adjust and step up their game to be there for you is up to them. Don't go out of your way or expend valuable energy to try to adapt to their behaviors. Sure, it's totally fair to call them out and remind them of your limitations and what you need from them - I've done that several times through my journey - but whether or not they choose to take that and act on it isn't up to you, it's on them. The last thing you need in your MS world is more stress from relationships when you could be putting your energy into the relationships with those who have your back and care about you. Match the energy people put into relationships; the ones who are willing to put their energy into being there for you are the ones deserving of your energy.
Now while I'm sure you could construct a longer list of categories, this article focuses on 5 clear ones: Fair Weather Friends, Old Friends, New Friends, Ex-Friends, and Compassionate Friends. The way the article describes them, fair weather friends are the ones that have your back, are in your inner circle, and are considered a close friend up until your world implodes. They're the friends that fault you for withdrawing, but don't take the time to support you through it or investigate why you may be distant. These are the friends that aren't calling you to check in, or making comforting gestures, they may even be avoiding the topic of your grief all together, while also faulting you for not making time for them. The old friends are exactly what you'd expect: the ones who have been by your side forever and with whom you can vent, cry, panic, yell, whatever you need without any doubt that they'll stick by you through it all and validate anything and everything you're feeling. I really love the quote included by the author from Oprah: "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." (Thanks Nikki Pennington for including that very relevant bit of wisdom!). New friends may surprise you, as they tend to sort of emerge from the woodwork to fill a role you didn't know you needed in your life. As Nikki puts it, these are the people that you may not even have known all that well or been very close with before your loss, but they step up and are willing to take on adjustments by your side, admit they may not get it but they're there to support you and learn along with you anyway. The ex-friend is one that reemerges into your life when they learn of your loss; maybe you haven't spoken in years, but they suddenly pop up to provide "comfort". I put that in quotes because it tends to be the misguided attempts that cause more hurt than help, and tend to just remind you that they've been MIA through whatever challenges lead up to the final moment of loss. By Nikki's description, this friend disappears as quickly as they appeared, likely showing up in the first place out of a feeling of obligation based on your former friendship. Finally come the compassionate friends. Just like their title suggest, these friends are the ones that maybe in the moment you don't realize just how big and important their gestures are to you, but as you work through your journey, the effort they put into being your support system becomes more and more clear and appreciated. These are the people who do things to help even when you say you're fine or that you don't need it, because they're willing to put energy into ensuring you're actually okay.
Now anyone reading this who has MS probably can name right now at least one person in their life that would fall into each category. If you don't have MS, you may be wondering which category you fall in for your loved one. (PSA: as long as you're not pulling an 'ex-friend' or a 'fair weather friend', you're doing just fine!) An MS diagnosis brings each of these types of friends into focus. I've found since my diagnosis that the most frustrating friends are those of the fair weather variety; they're people you assume you can count on and yet every time something big comes up, they're nowhere to be found. Or worse, they're needing something from you; no matter how big or small the favor, it's difficult to make clear to people that when you're coping with initial diagnosis, taking on treatments, or just generally dealing with symptoms, you just can't be that person that is always saying yes and doing things for others anymore. Fair weather friends I've found tend to be the ones that don't bother to ask what your limitations are, or know them and just choose to ignore them in favor of their own convenience and that shit hurts. While the ex-friend can be irritating and frustrating, the upside to them is that you can simply brush them off and let them fall away from whence they came. That process is quite a bit easier than coping with the fair weather friends.
Fortunately, I've found that the good far outweighs the bad among friends and their response to your loss, or in this case, diagnosis and beyond. I consider myself beyond lucky that the vast majority of my friends fall into the old friend category; many of my best girlfriends are ones I've had since my pre-teen years or earlier, so they not only know me but they know my world and how I respond to it. As Oprah says, I know for a fact they'd happily jump on the bus with me if the limo broke down, and they don't even expect a limo to begin with. Even without knowing much about MS at first, they were willing to ask questions, educate themselves, and let me feel however I wanted to feel every step of the way. Now while many of my go-to girls are old friends, I don't think it's fair to only put them in that category because they're absolutely champions of the compassionate friend category as well. I realized after both the loss of my dad and my health that their texts of "Hey! Whatcha doin?" or "Busy this weekend? Wine night?" were so much more than interest in my schedule; they reached out often and even if it wasn't to directly ask how I was feeling or what I needed, it was to remind me that they were there, they were tuned into what I was going through, and they were ready to be at my side if I ever asked (or didn't). When the local MS walk came about, I didn't even have to ask them to be there; one signed up and just told me she would be there, and others acknowledged the event and however I might feel about it even if they couldn't be there. These types of friends are the ones doing or saying exactly what you need when you don't even realize you need it. I'm lucky that I've had quite a few friends step into these roles over the past 6 months; they've eased the strain and stress without ever even hesitating. (Special shout-out right now to Katrina and Kelsey because you two are rock stars and quite literally the greatest friends to walk this planet - as you always have been!) If you aren't sure who in your world falls into this category, take a minute and think of who you've heard from lately; who has asked if you want to grab a meal or if you need a ride to an event you're both attending, or when your next doctor's appointment or treatment is? It may not have seemed like much at the time, but those are the people that have your back and best interests at heart. Acknowledge their efforts and don't forget all that they do, even when it's small gestures, because those friends are incredible to have on your team.
The new friends are the ones I find most interesting in the world of MS. They come out of nowhere. Diagnosis can feel lonely and intimidating, but honestly as soon as you start opening up and talking about it, new friends emerge one after another. As someone who knew very little about MS prior to being diagnosed myself, and only knew one older woman who had it, I was amazed when I began to tell people that I had it how many people could and were willing to connect me with others living with MS. Obviously someone's aunt's friend's cousin's dog's vet isn't going to be the most helpful or comforting connection necessarily, but many people were able and willing to put me in touch with people close to them that offered their support to me, a complete stranger, when they heard I had just been diagnosed. This MS community is a large, supportive, and wide-reaching one, and there are so many ways to connect to it - the "new friends" category goes far beyond people that you already know, you may have new friends waiting for you in a support group or at a fundraising event or even in a treatment setting (if you're like me and do lengthy infusions, you'd be surprised how many people around you are in the same boat you are). If befriending strangers isn't your strong suit (is it really anyone's?) I've found those close to you know some pretty great people that can be sources of information, support, or just camaraderie when you're feeling like no one understands your experience. Referring you to people they know and trust may also be your loved ones' way of supporting you; if they can't personally relate or connect, providing you someone who can is just their way of trying to be there for you. For example my sister-in-law (who is possibly one of the world's nicest people - that is no exaggeration) suggested I meet her friend who is a few years older than me and has had MS for about four years; she didn't pressure me to hang out with her every day or insist I become BFF's with this woman, she simply suggested the three of us hang out so that I have her as a resource if I want or need it. While my SIL may not get what I'm going through, knowing there's someone she trusts and respects that might be able to help was her way of showing me support and providing me with whatever help she could. Know that people have good intentions - they just want to help and if they don't know how to do so, connecting you with someone who can help is just another means of providing support. Take people up on those offers, you never know what new friends that could connect you to.
No matter where the old friends, new friends, or compassionate friends come from, identify them and keep them. I cannot even begin to explain the impact those humans have had in my coping, learning, and treatment process. Also don't forget that your family can fall into these categories too; don't be afraid to tell them what you need from them so that they can best support you. As far as the ex-friends and fair weather friends, whether or not they choose to adjust and step up their game to be there for you is up to them. Don't go out of your way or expend valuable energy to try to adapt to their behaviors. Sure, it's totally fair to call them out and remind them of your limitations and what you need from them - I've done that several times through my journey - but whether or not they choose to take that and act on it isn't up to you, it's on them. The last thing you need in your MS world is more stress from relationships when you could be putting your energy into the relationships with those who have your back and care about you. Match the energy people put into relationships; the ones who are willing to put their energy into being there for you are the ones deserving of your energy.
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