6 Months Out

It's strange to think it's been 6 months since I got my diagnosis of RRMS. Somehow that  day in February feels like yesterday and ages ago all at the same time. Time somehow finds a way to move so much differently when you have a chronic illness; there are days where you feel miserable that seem to never end, while there are days where you feel healthy and normal that are gone in a flash. Then there's those lucky spans where you're nearly symptom free or at least feeling good for a few weeks at a time if you're so fortunate, and you look back when they come to a close and realize just how long you were able to coast along as if back in your old life, your "old" body, your old world. My dad made brief references to these strange sensations of time throughout his battle with cancer and I never really understood what he was talking about, but now - now I get it. 

I've learned a lot about myself in the last six months living with ~diagnosed~ MS. (Lord knows most of us were living with it long before we knew we had it.)  I've learned that there are days I'm a lot tougher than I give myself credit for being - days where I'm exhausted, nauseated, in pain, mentally drained, but even then, I push myself and get shit done. I've learned that there are also days that I am the farthest thing from tough, but that I'm getting better and better at admitting I'm having one of those days and asking for help. I've learned that when you need help and you ask for it, the best people in your world don't waste a moment before jumping to your aid. I've learned that asking for that help doesn't make me look weak, and even if it does some days it empowers my husband and others in my life and helps them to feel strong and supportive to help in the few ways they can. 

Mild humor break, brought to you by Nick from New Girl:

I've learned that it's okay to not be okay. This might actually be the biggest one for me; I've always been the logical, straight-faced, black and white, facts only member of my family, which I inherited from my dad. I've been the mom of our friend group who keeps everyone's lives together when they're drunk, sad, outrageous, or out of line. I've been the career-chaser who goes to absurd lengths to chase goal internships, great fellowships, and dream jobs. The last six months have taught me that no sane person can be on their A-game 100% of the time, and it's even harder to do that when you aren't fully healthy even 1% of the time. These months have taught me that it's completely reasonable to have angry days and sad days and frustrated days and even "why me?" days; quite frankly, the more I've accepted that those days do happen, and the more I let them happen when they show up, the better I feel in the long run. Sure, you can't have bad days every day you feel crummy or beat up, but you can't always deny those feelings from coming out either. 

I've also learned to communicate about all of the different kinds of days and feelings better, especially to my husband. I've said it in previous posts, but people can't help you if they don't know what you're feeling or what you need. Sometimes you don't need anything more than to just be heard - to be allowed to cry in someone's lap, or yell about how let down you feel by your body, or how scared you are of the uncertainty that comes with this disease. The good news? Everyone has at least one person in their life that's willing to not only let you do those things, but stand firmly by your side while you do. Hell, they may even join you. If you aren't sure you have a person like that, you may not be looking closely enough. Give people a chance to be there for you, because that's another thing I've learned the last six months - people will surprise you, often in the best ways. 

One final thing I've learned is more so something I've learned to do better. If you have any sense of manners you know to thank people who do kind things for you; when you have MS, you tend to need people to step up for you more than you did as a "healthy" person. I've learned it's so important to thank people and show them how much you appreciate their efforts - people want so badly to help, and when they aren't sure if they're helping the right way or at all, it's validating for them to hear they are being helpful, supportive, caring - any of it. So on your good days or your bad days, love the people around you and also thank them. Remind them how important they are to you, and how much easier they make your journey with MS. Because the most important thing I've learned the last six months is that I have a pretty incredible team around me. 

Doubling up on some Mr. Rogers-lovin' for this occasion because everyone could always use a little bit of his wisdom 💖